Goes Somer * Goesomer * Gossamer

I’m certain there is a circle of hell that consists solely of souls doomed to fill out online job application forms.

I have many problems. I laid them all out for my counselor today and she pointed out that my most imminent problem has arisen in the form of this ‘verbal warning’ at work in combo with my attempt to purchase a condo. At work, I have three months to turn ship-shape or else. As this is traditionally our slowest, worst season of the year, turning things around when there are no calls and cruises are dirt cheap, me pulling this off is unlikely, to say the least. Then the housing combo: one of the home loan requirements for someone with low income, like me, is a steady job history over 3 years. Ergo, if I’m to own a condo or townhouse, the loan must be secured and I’ll need to move before I am fired. Possibly 3, maybe 4 months from now. If I do not secure a place to live and I get fired, it will be another three years before I can try this again.

Yeah.

Three. Years.

Add to this deadline the irritating fact securing a new job is FAR EASIER if you ALREADY HAVE ONE, realistically, I have a month or two to find a place to live, then, maybe, one or two months to obtain a new job so I can afford to pay off my brand new, shiny mortgage.

If I can pull this off, if I can get through the new job’s trial period and all the other usual new job bullshit, I will be so, so, SO much better off than I am right now.

If, if, if.

Worst case scenario: I don’t find a condo I want/like/can afford/be approved for in time.

Outcome: I stay in this apartment I’m currently leasing and like (yay). I kill my car loan (yay). I apply for a new job until my fingers bleed.

Worst case scenario: I don’t find a condo and am fired before I secure a new job.

Outcome: I still have my apartment to lease. I don’t need to kill my car loan, just pay things as they go. I will cxl my cable, keep my internet. The money I have for the house down payment can be used to house and feed me (and the kitties) and keep the lights on. I will apply for jobs. And apply and apply. Someone will hire me, eventually.

Things to remember while interviewing/writing resume:

1.      First and foremost: The truth, but only ever from a certain point of view. When applying for his first job writing for a journal, Neil Gaiman listed some magazines that sounded likely and got the job. Later he’d write for all of them. If you ignore that time is linear, it was not a lie.

2.       Second: spin whatever question they ask into answering what I will do for them. We are all selfish. Companies most of all. If they ask why I’m leaving my current job, I’ll say, it’s because I know I can give more, do more, but where I am doesn’t provide the growth potential I’m looking for. Remembering #1, I need not mention the employment growth I’m interested in is writing supernatural erotica or romance.

I’ve gone on too long. It’s good for me to reframe my headspace to prepare to dive into the job market. I’ve updated my resume already. It’s now time for me to revisit the notes I took interviewing (and being mock interviewed by) my uncle Dave (who, in his day, worked HR). I need to remind myself of all the hints and dos and don’ts before I dive into filling out this temp job form.  A temp job could provide me with weekend work, given I will have a new schedule in a few weeks that—get this—allows me Saturday and Sunday off. 

Whelp. Off to review notes. Tomorrow is work, work, work.

VICTORY IS MINE!!!
 
I am now a chef pâtissier-confiseur. Sort of. They'll have me making ribbon-ball decorations (so pretty!), silk flowers (PROFESSIONAL ARTS AND CRAFTS, BITCHES!) et all in the back, as well as working the front counter (I make the big sales!). 

I'll be frosting cakes later and, since they like everyone to know how to do everything, I might end up learning to bake those yummy, yummy cakes.

(Red Velvet! Marble! Chocolate Delight! Be still, my beating heart.)

Now all of this is pending (yes, I let Dr. Frank-N-Furter know) how things go at my interview for the position of assistant manager at the clothing retailers. That job requires that I be present on at least three Saturdays of the month, which is the day the cake place needs the  most help. Fridays and Saturdays, specifically.

Best case scenario? I alternate Saturdays and Fridays with each. Will two weekends a month with each be enough? We'll have to wait and see.

If I don't get the management job, Dr. Frank-N-Furter made it clear that making cake decorations was in the bag--just keep him in the loop.

MINE!!!

Aside: Any hints on how NOT to be nervous for a job interview? Going in, I knew I had this one already in the bag and yet I still had wet armpits. Srsly uncalled for and ew. The Asst. Manager position? Yeah. Not in the bag, yet, even though I know I am prepared and qualified to fulfill the responsibilities even without the label "Manager" attached to me previously. I did tons of managerial work at my last job: reviewing resumes, interviewing my future coworkers, training them, acting as moral booster, being left in charge when supervisor was absent. I was the defacto assistant manager. I think the only thing I didn't do was repremands and shift scheduling.

But yeah. Tips for not getting nervous?

After two months, I finally have an interview lined up for a job as assistant manager at a clothing retailer. The whole process went like this:

EMPLOYER: May I help you?

nepenthe: Would you happen to be hiring?

EMPLOYER: (*bitchy eyes of condescension*) We are. Are you over eighteen?

nepenthe: FOR THE LOVE OF THE UNIVERSE, YES.

EMPLOYER: Alright. Are you interested in fulltime or part-time?

Nepenthe: I’ll take whatever I can get.

EMPLOYER: The part-time position is only two shifts a week, but for the fulltime position you’d have to have a four-year degree.

nepenthe: What’d you know?! I have one of those!

EMPLOYER: (*sees me in vivid new light*) Really? Okay, sign up here!

Once I was all applied, I went back to the manager to find out if there was anything else she needed from me.

EMPLOYER: Alright, let’s set a time for an interview. Next Tuesday at two work for you?

nepenthe: HELL YEA—I mean, why yes ma’am.

EMPLOYER: For the interview you’ll need to wear store appropriate attire.

nepenthe: *nods*

EMPLOYER: That means a gray, blue or white shirt, jeans, natural hair/makeup, and flip-flops.

nepenthe: I’ll be sure to wear the most corporate-y flip-flops I own.

The blue Abercrombie polo I wore as part of my dihydrogen monoxide prank disguise should convince them I’m a trustworthy preppie, like them.

I can now add MEDIUM COFFEE to my list of free swag while job hunting.

I feel as though I’m as far away from getting my Bunny back as I was a month and three weeks ago. I apply and apply and apply, but I’m not getting calls back or interviews. Not even the US Census has called me in, and I got 97% on their little test. I know I can pass their background check with flying colors, so that can’t be the reason. They did say census work wouldn’t start up until spring—maybe things won’t kick off for another month or so.

Et I’m ranting on pure speculation and anxiety.

I have worked hard! I would work hard! I want my Bunny and a home!  

We are the story we tell ourselves: a construct of an imaginary past which ceases to exist in the now, crumbling a bit more at our touch every time we recollect it.

The story I’ve constructed for myself is that of a small, blonde girl whom no one ever suspects.
 

This is not a good story to have when job hunting. The ones making the decision to hire or not to hire never suspect. Never suspecting, I'm passed over at the onset, never to get my foot in the door.

Which means that to get any attention at all, I either need to: a) reconstruct my story (much too late in the game for me to do that, as I’d need to convince myself of the story’s veracity for the effect to convince anyone else) or b) I’ll need to stand outside said building and set off a (metaphorical) bomb to bring down their stony facade.

Option c) is docile infiltration of their system, to slowly and systematically spring apart and take over from the inside.

*sigh*

Volunteering it is, then.

Anyone from a literary agency or publishing house around the Phoenix/Tempe area in need of a docile, cute, unassuming-and-couldn’t-possibly-be-up-to-anything blonde to make copies and fetch coffee?